I was browsing my old college files and came upon this, I wrote this on 5/21/2007. 🙂
Why is tomorrow more important than today? Is the present insignificant compared to the future? Isn’t today what is real and happening and yet we spend every waking moment planning for tomorrow? Why do we have to live in the future when the present is staring at us right in the eye? Why do we have wait for what’s coming and just dismiss what we have for the moment?
I have lived most of my life in the past. I have consumed myself in mistakes and regrets that I wished I could change. I’ve pretended that I lived in the present while I dragged my big metal box of locked away memories with me every single day of my life. And now that I’ve moved on to appreciate the present but someone has taken it away from me. I am now forced to live in the future. Even though I don’t want to, I have to.
What’s so special about the future anyway? Everything is uncertain. You don’t even know if you’re going to get there. You can spend your whole life planning and things can never happen like you thought it would be. All the plans can turn into nothing with one change of a circumstance, so why put so much effort into it? What if you live your whole life looking forward but never really experience all that you’ve planned? You spend so much time planning and working for the future and neglect what you should really be busy with? What if you die today just thinking about how much you’re going to be happy in the future but never really feel how wonderful it could be because your present is missing? Can’t we just think that there may be a lot of time in the future but there is still some time in the present that you lose and may never take back? Why are we so fixated on things that are out of our reach when the things that are in our hands are ignored?
You have two choices, just keep living in the future hoping that you get there or just let go of plans and live your present but add uncertainty to your tomorrow. It’s simple but the thought of making that decision breaks my heart in every beat. I don’t know how to look at it. I don’t know how to escape from it or how to face it.
The present sucks and I can do nothing about it. The present is hell and all I can do is sit down and watch my world crumble piece by piece right in front of me. So I just need to hope wishing that there could be something more to this life worth living for. I just need to suck it up until I get to the future because there is nothing else to do but to wait for things to happen. If I get to the future then great, if I don’t then tough luck. Just that’s the way things are. So you sacrifice the only source of happiness that you have for the moment in exchange for the ambiguity of the next years to come. You may think twice but let go still knowing that that dream may still never come.
A man lives in hope because he doesn’t live in grace. – Prison Break Season 2